three planes over ocean water. much more than jet-lagged, can’t keep my composure. can’t keep my guts intact. would you want me to come back? this is where i’ll admit my anxiety. this is where i’ll admit it all. there’s an air about you that i can’t stop breathing. you’re the exact kind of relief that i’ve been needing. for the first time my past is not haunting me. for the first time i’m coming alive. i don’t mean to be self-deprecating, but a thing like this has only ever been a dream. don’t hate me for trying to be honest, i’m just coming to terms with myself. i have every intention of waking up better in a few hours. every intention of carrying that same smile on my face. it’s hard to be so positive when i just can’t take this place. please be patient with me. please don’t leave me hanging. you represent so much for me. so much hope. so much life. i hope your offer to better my life still stands. i am crazy for being the way that i am, but i know in my bones that this means everything.  my favorite place to be is the very place you are…

the new macbook pro is pretty much the greatest thing in the world. i’m in love with it and i think everyone should have one. full-on gestures is awesome. just awesome. my life is so brand new.

speaking of my life, i’ve been spending a lot of time away from my “friends” just hanging at home. it’s been great. i keep randomly being reminded that i know some amazing people that i’m never around. i love knowing in the back of my mind that i know such loving and self-less people. 

i also love my best friends. talking and laughing all night tonight was definitely needed. 

i am going to virginia and d.c. in a few days. i’m excited for all of it. 

play kiss the rain while i down this bottle.   blown lightbulb turns the room up just a little bit louder.  i am no good with words,  just like you’re no good with keys.  i hear the promise from your fingers, hear the promise from my lips.  sitting here for hours ready to retire.  i found what’s next but it’s only with myself.  i am everywhere even though i have been nowhere.  and we all get lonely sometimes.  and we all write it down.  i’ll make promises to myself right now.  go clean, go walk, go read, go write.   you’ll find me parked at the dock.  you’ll find me lost in the soft ivory sound that’s sweet-talking my nerves.  you’ll find me in a better place, but will you join me?  i am that quiet calm before the panic settles.  the pit in my stomach mirrors the pit in my mind.  i never make sense anymore and i hate that about myself.   so much is waiting.  please don’t leave me alone.  i’m planning on disappearing and it’s not even troubling me.  i want to lose myself in anything that keeps me away from everyone.  i want to learn things on my own.  i want to bide my time until the take off.  a long time coming and wouldn’t you know.  all the answers that could make me feel sane.  don’t go.  if i reflected my aura, how would i look?  we go out of our way for no particular reason.  we drive home empty.  we find ourselves sitting in this room like we’re two different people.  i do have a way of talking circles around myself. “constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.”  i used to be more articulate.  i could say anything and not process it.  when did i attach myself to this shell?  will i choose to be free and be happy or will i dig myself back down?  i want to live the dream.  take me.  i have tried to throw myself in every direction, and next week i’m northbound.  find me.  i know so much, have gained so much, and have so much more to grasp.  i don’t want to lose sight of my dream life.  every day this place grows colder.  the pipes have frozen but my will’s grown bolder.  it seems no matter what i do or say, it looks like rain.

introducing the bearded collie.

also known as the future love of my life.  if you really don’t know me, there is one thing you should really latch onto: I LOVE DOGS.  not in the sense that i like having them around when it’s convenient for me… but in the sense that it’s rare to not see me all over a dog if we’re in the same room.  i lose sleep watching past dog shows and frantically searching the internet for would-be-mines. after all this time of research and the thousands and thousands of images i’ve seen… i know one thing is certain: i LOVE bearded collies.

for whatever reason, i love what i like to call “sheepydogs.” yes, i know, i’m a silly little girl who obviously speaks baby to her animals. there are so many things that draw me to them… their fluffy two-toned coats with matching eyes, their button-like noses… and their silly way of looking like muppet dogs… not to mention their bouncy personalities that match mine.

basically, these dogs were made for me and i can’t wait to have one.  so just in case you’re out there reading this and wondering what a life with me would be like, it’d be fun, silly, and full up on puppy love.

monday morning, three a.m. mind heart racing again.  i can never pinpoint my location in my brain. i can’t never keep up with myself.  greedy dragonfly taunting me. too proud for insincere apology. too proud to show my face again. too quiet, too quick to say too much. if you could, would you find me? pushing away everything and everyone who means anything to me. fall in love with the idea. stupid little girl can’t wipe the smile off her face until you go away. can’t help questioning if we’ll meet under a lucky star.  we mass produce metaphysics when paranoia becomes the order of the day.  if i breathe you in, will you breathe me out? desperate. determined. terrified. will i add semi-impulsive? we’ll find out in the coming days. missing laughing loving ignoring. music to my ears. teach these fingers to play your heartstrings. wake up in a new town.  can i be greater than the sum of my parts?

the original plan was for her to come pick me up after her CPR class, but seeing as how there was a very tiny time gap and travel that made the original plan unnecessary… we went to get lunch before heading to campus.

we took a different way than she’s used to.. because for some reason i have a thing with cutting through neighborhoods.  cutting through tenth street, you come across dixon park.  i have driven this same route for YEARS… it’s a tiny road, and you cross railroad tracks that (as far as i know) are NEVER actually in use.  well today, this railroad crossing psyched everyone out.

definitely NOT in use.  no one knew what to do until a cop half-wailed his siren and sped through the crossing… but it was probably the funniest part of my day, maybe even my week.  it’s all about the little things, man.

now on to this mudbowl.

maybe it’s a fun idea.. getting friends together to play tug-of-war or volleyball in a mudpit.  MAYBE. maybe if the weather is just right and it’s with the right people…MAYBE.

today, was a NO.

i was left to watch stuff for.. probably over ten people. i really don’t even know exactly though, because a lot of them i didn’t even know.  i’m not a student so i couldn’t actually participate (supposedly), but with all this stuff to guard… i couldn’t even WATCH any of the games.  so i sat.. in the grass… playing okkervil river on my ipod and playing the new sonic rpg on my ds.  needless to say, i was a big grump on not really in the mood to socialize with complete strangers.  some people really have some nerve, i tell ya! some girl honestly stared at me, knowing i couldn’t hear her at all AND that i wasn’t looking at anything but my ds screen.. until i shifted my line of vision for a second. i heard “this is hard” between songs and looked up (thinking, that’s what she said!) and looking up to find a seemingly helpless girl staring at me. so i politely took my head phones off and asked, “what?” so she repeated, “this is hard.” i didn’t know what she meant. she wasn’t doing anything at all. she was standing next to her bag… that’s it. she wasn’t trying to do anything at all. apparently someone she knew (a boyfriend maybe?) went looking for her shoes that she somehow misplaced and that’s why she was alone trying to strike up unnecessary conversation? who knows. it was awkward for sure!

someone once talked about this being generation ipod. “you miss so much of PEOPLE when you walk around with those ipods in…”

it’s funny, because i think about this conversation (i’m pretty sure it was my pilates instructor at MTSU) every time i’m anywhere listening to my ipod. it makes sense… but then i think about all the times i’ve interacted with people while my ipod was playing in my pocket and how for the right people, it’s not hard to take off the headphones and have a conversation.

i use my ipod to avoid AWKWARD social interractions like the ones i had at the mudbowl…

besides, sometimes, in the right mood on the right day.. right time.. right place… i get so much more out of music and myself than talking to or hanging out with anyone else in the world.

it had potential to be fun!

today i went with my family to busch gardens in williamsburg, virginia.  at some point, all of us decided we weren’t going to ride anything crazy. so once we enter the park, my brother daniel and i take my sister angie on corkscrew hill. it’s one of those cute little 3-D (or is it 4-D now? i can’t remember) rides. it was a lot better than i expected it to be, but i think i’m just a sucker for those rides cause i’m five. i forget what happened directly after this, but quickly we found our way to the alpengeist.

now, my brother is supposed to be the one that can stomach all these rollercoasters… i’m not. i admit right this moment that i am the world’s biggest baby when it comes to them. angie really wanted to ride it and no one was willing to take her, so i volunteered. i expected to be as frantic and foul-mouthed as my first time riding thunder run, wherever that coaster is… but it was the exact opposite. we waited in line in complete silence, save a few “no, i’m seriously freaking out”s that kept escaping my lips and the shaking of my bones. i volunteered to take the outside seat (because i’m dumb and protective?).. so, front row, outside seat, safe to say i was hating my life.. and i made it clear. the only sound i made on the ride was during the climb up… a quick “i hate my life RIGHT NOW”  when i spotted my stepmom below us. i closed my eyes afterwards because i suck with heights. i thought i had my eyes closed the whole time, but upon watching this video, i realized i didn’t…

this is the love of my rollercoaster life. i was terrified, but the fact that i couldn’t move around in my harness at all made it awesome. i will never deny the alpengeist.

we went on more cute little rides… including whatever 4-D (3-D? why don’t i know!) thing is at darkastle. it ruled. we got the parents on it and it was awesome. looking at it online, it was one of those ”wow, this is either really lame or really awesome” kind of rides. luckily it was awesome. we all enjoyed it. all the usual carnival rides (der katapult, da vinci’s cradle, tradewinds, etc.) all weasled into the mix.

back to this big bad wolf thing… 

looking at it, it seemed like a relatively safe coaster, so all of us decided to ride. big ol’ PSYCHE. the first part wasn’t so bad, but my harness was too loose, so yeah, i was freaked out. we thought it was over, but we didn’t clear the second drop yet. now, this drop is supposed to be everyone’s favorite part of this ride… i hate it. i don’t like them. the alpengeist dropped… but twisted so much in the process the downward force really became obsolete and i was focused on all the rolling instead. so, a 99-foot drop over the rhine river… with a harness that is too loose… not my idea of a good time.

the day at busch gardens ended with the best idea ever: the roman rapids.  i am a sucker for all of those white water raft rides. they’re so much fun and i don’t like doing all those logs and crap that drop. last time i did, i ended up with my face in my lap bar, soooo, PASS! but this ride rules, especially this time. my brother, sister, and i kept forcing the raft to keep spinning. at the end, we tried to put my dad under these waterfalls. it didn’t work. i got a little wet from the first, we missed the second one completely…. the third… i tried so hard to spin the raft, but it didn’t work, so i dove into the waterfall. i was the kid that gets out with water flowing off their clothing that makes the ride look awesome. probably the most fun i’ve ever had on one of those things.

so basically, i love the alpengeist, i’m afraid of the big bad wolf, and my family rules. such a great day.
 

tonight, after a long day of playing poker, watching dvds, and other various passtimes that i favor, i have come to the realization that i absolutely have to meet and marry this man. there’s just no other way my life could play out ( this is a lie, my life could play out billions of ways, but this is the only way i want right now), and here’s a few reasons why:

1. basketball… i am fan. i grew up watching jordan in all his glory, played all the video games, went to basketball camps. i mean, it’s hard to hit free throws in a high school gymnasium when you’re like, seven, but i went and had fun. now i’m getting back into the game because of steve nash and the phoenix suns. i read an article online that said something about a figure out playing in suns shorts, and who else would it be but nate ruess? it’s the little things…
2. showers. he is not a fan. i have a special kinship with showers. that’s where i do my thinking, my writing (with crayola brand bathtub crayons on the walls), and my sitting when i feel simply inconsolable… but all of this doesn’t mean i do it all the time. i love showering when it’s at my discretion… when i have no place to go and no one to see. showers before going somewhere or doing something are mostly annoying, especially for me, because i am always running late anyway… i don’t know how many times my friends have cursed me for being so far behind… this is all neither here or there… but together, nate ruess and i could save thousands and thousands of gallons of water per year because of those habits…

uhhhhh… i’m going to be honest, i started typing this well-thought out multi-sectional entry about why nate ruess and i could be good together, but because of life’s convenient interruptions (aka, LIVING and not sitting still long enough), i’m now drawing a blank. of course, more ridiculous little things like the above came into play, but more importantly, i’m mostly affected by the way he conveys himself. maybe he’s a twenty-something year old man who’s dealt with plenty of profound life experiences and is coming around to a place where he can finally get past it all. and i guess, in that sense, we really are one-in-the-same.

 so all silliness aside (and hopefully this doesn’t get taken as me just being a fanatic, because it’s more than that), nate ruess, if you ever google yourself and find this and haven’t died laughing at how ridiculous i am, you should probably marry me.

growing up, i spent every single mother’s day at new providence. every year, i always messed with all the carnations that were left out for everyone to grab in honor of their mothers. i usually took a couple after the service just because i liked flowers, and the white ones were always my favorite of the two, even though obviously i should have stuck with just the one red.

for the first year ever, my favorite of the two meant what it should have to me. i went to lunch with my family in virginia beach: my little sister, my stepmom, her mom & sister, were the only females present. this luncheon, we all sported corsages, something i’ve done, oh, twice in my life for prom. at any rate, it’s a very weird sensation being one of TWO females at a table wearing a white carnation, especially when the other is several times your age.

the looks and miniature talks i got that day were almost too much to bear. no, i wasn’t sad just because my mom is gone. that’s obviously sad. but mostly, those looks… you know, the kind where people notice you’ve got a little something sad about you, and feel for you in the deepest way, even if they don’t know you. those looks tear me up. i used to be the one only giving them out…

now i just feel like i have this sadness surrounding me, and everyone wants to be my hero. everyone wants to be around and available. it’s not something i need, or even want. i’m actually doing everything in my power to distance myself from anything that makes me feel anything negative at all. it’s just… one of those weird sensations at work again, i guess.