growing up, i spent every single mother’s day at new providence. every year, i always messed with all the carnations that were left out for everyone to grab in honor of their mothers. i usually took a couple after the service just because i liked flowers, and the white ones were always my favorite of the two, even though obviously i should have stuck with just the one red.
for the first year ever, my favorite of the two meant what it should have to me. i went to lunch with my family in virginia beach: my little sister, my stepmom, her mom & sister, were the only females present. this luncheon, we all sported corsages, something i’ve done, oh, twice in my life for prom. at any rate, it’s a very weird sensation being one of TWO females at a table wearing a white carnation, especially when the other is several times your age.
the looks and miniature talks i got that day were almost too much to bear. no, i wasn’t sad just because my mom is gone. that’s obviously sad. but mostly, those looks… you know, the kind where people notice you’ve got a little something sad about you, and feel for you in the deepest way, even if they don’t know you. those looks tear me up. i used to be the one only giving them out…
now i just feel like i have this sadness surrounding me, and everyone wants to be my hero. everyone wants to be around and available. it’s not something i need, or even want. i’m actually doing everything in my power to distance myself from anything that makes me feel anything negative at all. it’s just… one of those weird sensations at work again, i guess.
